Cheska

The Tita Lolas. Tita Lola Yolly, Tita Lola Flor, Tita Lola Cora.
The Cousin Ninangs. Cousin Ninang Tin2, Cousin Haydee holding baby Cheska, Cousin Ninang Lara and Cousin Ninang Kini. Sunday Christening at St. Mary the Queen in Greenhills. It was a pretty eventful day. After church we then had our own little lunch party at Little Asia (Highly recommended! Kudos to the chef. Thanks to F! for the good review.) in Shoppesville celebrating Joseph's birthday. Then mad-crazy shopping afterwards. Fun. More funny pictures...





San Fran? Nah. Today's Greenhills. Nice no?

Conversations

Monday afternoon, Jed and I chit-chatting the rush hour traffic on the way to the.... derma. He(my cousin) said that he watched The Last Samurai last night and quoted these lines:

Emperor Meiji: Tell me how he died.
Algren (Tom Cruise): I will tell you how he lived.

Katsumoto: You believe a man can change his destiny?
Algren: I think a man does what he can, until his destiny is revealed.

A nice way to pass the time. I love how diverse each of our family member is. I love how they nurture different parts of who I am. I wish that everybody is as priveleged. To always have unrelenting love, care, support and good conversations as they journey on.

Night owl returns

Yes the night owl has returned. Boohoohoo. Will again be working nights and sleeping days for the next four weeks. Countdown begins tonight. Boohoohoo. Sob sob sob. Oh well, what are you gonna do? Shrug.

A lot has happened over the past weeks. A lot. But here's what I want to talk about for now. Want to keep this short because I'm sure that drowsiness will come soon. Boohoohoo.

1) Ate Michelle's operation to remove her cervical cancer is today. I pray that everything goes well and pray for her safety and full recovery.

2) Me, ninang again to a new member of the family. Baptism on Sunday at greenhills. Much controversy ongoing here. Nanay has told me that we will only visit the church and boycott the reception, in support of Tito Oyet (my cousin's Dad) who will not be attending at all and have not spoken to his eldest daughter ever since they knew she got pregnant just after graduating college. No known plans of getting married yet bec the boy's parents want him to finish college first. My cousin has left their house because Tito refused to talk to her and even refused to come home. She is now living in a condo paid for by her bf's parents including all expenses. The child carries her bf's family name. These are the facts.

We have a very conservative and tight family. Much heartbreak has materialized from this. But for sure, I know that we will stand by what is right, offer incessant support and pass good judgment. Never underestimate the bond that this family has built. I am so grateful that I am part of it, that I belong and that I am involved. I believe in the things that they stand up for, in the standards that they have set, and admire them for being morally upright citizens. I bring this with me every single day. Loud and proud.

3) Contemplating on renting out a place nearer the office with my brother. Oh boy. I have mixed feelings about this and am sorting it out as best as I can. Hope I make the right decision.

Buck stops here for now. Starting to get cross-eyed and sleepy. Funny. Wonder what coffee tastes like. Teeheehee.

Santos Cousins 05/2005 

A Legacy

We celebrated our Lolo Simeon's 3rd death anniversary last Sunday. Went to mass in San Rafael, went to the cemetery, prayed the rosary, asked for good intentions for both our grandparents' souls as a family. It was nice.

My Lolo meant a lot to me. A force that is ever-present within me. My heart gets that warm feeling as I think of him.

Two instances pop into mind:

Some years ago, was already part of the yuppie genre, was carrying a load, specifically a heartache, my very first. Some guy. I was ballistic, I was depressed, I was everything but fine. It was a Saturday and my Lolo offered to buy me a new spare tire because a few nights ago, the trunk was forced open and the spare was stolen. Grrrrrr. Sigh. The joys of living in a third-world country. Anyway, so we went to shop for a new one and I was glad for the time we spent together. Here was a man who stood by her wife when she went blind, who had raised a family of six children through different odd jobs, lost a daughter, lost a wife. This man went through it all and maintained his dignity, strength and character. And here I was, nursing a small scar, being selfish, thinking that my world goes downhill from here. How wrong I was for even thinking that. How humbling it was to be in my Lolo's presence. That made my day. I saw everything in a new light. Things began to make sense. Most imporatantly, Lolo loved and cared for me enough to think that I needed a new spare. Li'l ol' me. I felt special.

Fast forward, a few years more. When Lolo goes back to Manila a few days in a month, I made it a priority, nay, a necessity to swing by his house in the mornings before I go to work. I loved hearing his stories. He was a good conversationalist, telling his past animatedly. Great stories of hard work, good ethics, hurdling obstacles, formidable travels. I was hooked. In one of those countless mornings, I heard him say the word 'anarchy'. To me that was a big word. I thought that I was pretty smug about my intelligence to the point of being cocky. But this word was alien to me at that time and Lolo used it so ordinarily. My Lolo who had not finished high school but had gotten street-smart, book-smart and business-smart all on his own. Meanwhile, me with my college degree and partial master's degree in high-end universities, he still towered above me. I didn't know that it was possible but I came to respect him even more.

This is the legacy that Lolo left with. He lives in me. He lives in every life that he touched. He will live within every person whom I touch. This circle will keep on moving forward. He is a great man. I will be grateful if my years here develop me into a character even half of what he was. I am honored to have known him and proud that we share the same blood.

You will never be forgotten.

Waves

The past stays in the past. Yes, most of the time there are unresolved issues. But I've learned the hard way, that sometimes, there really are no answers. I'm talking about my past relationships. These are closed doors. Shut, locked, double-locked, throw away the key. So far, this has been the deal.

I've had my share of messy break-ups and cry-your-heart-out moments. A lot of them. I've embraced love's intensity because it was the kind of person that I am. I fully submerge myself in the moment. To me, that's the only way to live life. To put everything in surrender. Some might view this as a flaw, a weakness. Being ruled by the heart, almost never by the mind. So when the end of a relationship comes, an attempt to retract back to singlehood is always a battle. But both times, I survived, came out a better, smarter, stronger person. I learned a lot. I learned to accept, which gave me peace and calmed my inner storms. I learned to forgive, which allowed me to detach myself further from the past.

Heartaches and good memories in check. I no longer run from my past. To me, this is a good thing. It made me grateful for the past and optimistic of my future. Looking forward to a better life ahead, a better fit, a better plan, someone else that's perfect for me. Only if He wills it. There was a time when I have resigned myself to having been done with love and relationships. It has scared the shit out of me. To make the story short, someone came and changed my mind.

Right now, I am in a relationship with someone who has ignited my passion for life. I put my all into it and hope that it is enough. I pray that we become better people because of each other. There is still so much more to explore and I pray that he holds my hand through it all.

I think I've gotten better at riding the waves of life. I do get knocked off the board more often than not. But I get back on again and again. That's really all we can do. Hold on and do the best we can. Just keep on riding the wave, the best is yet come.

While the metro sleeps

A person from the past has been the topic of many conversations, group emails, texts, even blogs from the AMCI community for a number of days now. This was the email message that started it all:

Thursday May 26, 2005 7:32PM
Please pray for person X. He is now in the ICU of Makati Med --- he suffered 3 bullet shots to the stomach at 2:30 am last night at 7-11 Evangelista. While his condition is stable, it remains critical.

Stable because he is conscious and can speak. Critical because there is still one bullet left that is yet to be removed. No motive nor suspect.

I cannot even fathom how to write about this. More than that, I still cannot grasp how I feel about this. Shock? Yes. Sad? Yes. Confused? Yes. Sympathethic? Yes. Worried? Yes. Beyond this, I do not want to explore any more.

I have totally disconnected myself from this person. Difficult? Yes. But necessary. It's not that I have not yet learned to forgive but I just don't want to complicate things anymore. Present conditions seem satisfactory. It's not that I have no heart for not being there to sympathize and show support and wish him well. Believe me, I'm all heart, in every single thing I do, will do and have done. It's just that I've realized that -- this is his battle. Not mine. His recovery is in my prayers. Sincerely and intently. To my judgment, that is enough.

At 1 am, he went to his friend's place to crash in for the night but his deep sleeper friend was unable to hear his knocks. Napped in his car and woke up with a parched throat. Off he went to a 7-11 nearby and emerging from the store, an unknown person armed with a gun aimed at his stomach and pulled the trigger three times. He sat on the curb and waited for help to arrive. He's been in ICU for fours days already. Operation after opeartion. Tubes sticking out of him. Hands tied to the bed posts.

How unthinkable that while the metro sleeps this happened.

Someone was so enraged or so deluded with the intention of killing him. Why?

I am praying for you. I am praying that you emerge from this and still be the strong athletic able person that you are. I am praying that you take on life with a clear and determined plan to better yourself more after this. Life is precious and fragile and yet we all should embrace our vulnerabilities and be all that we can be. Suck the marrow out of life and aim for greatness. I wish for you all of these. Everything has a reason. Make sense out of what has happened and learn from it and move on. Stay strong for more of your journeys ahead. Make God a part of your life. And thanks for having been in mine.

On a Thursday afternoon

Below is an email reply to a good friend who shared to me her thoughts on love and marriage, having attended four weddings over the past month. The last one so solemn and meaningful that surged feelings in her that she had to write down and share to few close friends like moi.

Hi Friend,

First off, you write beautifully, sincerely and graphically. Blog na to!

Second, for the subject at hand, what you said makes alotta sense and I'm glad that I got to share what you had in mind. I agree that most people marry for the wrong reasons. Obvious sa iba. Personally, as a single woman, I too, hope to marry for LOVE. True love. But sometimes, (most of the time) looking at the world that has for most of the population become superficial, the journey to love seems exhaustible, futile, might I say even impossible? Cynical it may seem, but my own eyes have also seen its share of crash and burn stories. One cannot stay blind from all the heartbreaks that happen so often and so common as sunsets. Sigh... The tragedy that is love.

The 3 things that your mother mentioned, let me reiterate:

1) That he’ll be God-fearing so that he will always respect you, 2) That he loves you deeply and he’ll take care of you, and 3) That he’ll always go out of his way to please you, now and especially in your olden days.

I distinctly remember that you told that to me as well, in an elevator ride somewhere. I remember your words clearly, because I knew that you were saying something really important. I vowed then to somehow incorporate them with my own personal standards.

There is a lot to be said about love and relationships and break-ups and marriage and romance and passion. A lot of opinions, a lot of point-of-views. But to everyone, I am sure, that it is personal. Everyone has had their own brush with this mystery that mankind has forever been attempting to conquer. Including you and me. This is definitely one part of our life that we have no real control over. No plans. No preparations. Nothing tangible.

For my part, this is what I wanna share... This I got from my Tito Efren: There are only two things in life that are uncertain -- 1) Death, when, where, how and 2) Marriage, how it will turn out, if it will last, or even if you will marry. This one I got from Winnie, a former-boss-turned-good-good-friend: You were put on this earth having no choice about who your parents, siblings or relatives are gonna be. The only thing that is entirely up to you is deciding on who you will marry. Your future life depends on this. So, choose well.

After all that's said and done, after all the high's and low's of it, marriage to me is something sacred and honorable. I will not be pressured into marrying just for the sake of. I want to get married because I truly have found someone that I'm so madly and passionately in love with and that losing him is not an option. I want him to feel as passionate about me and that together we have the capability to build a comfortable(not extravagant but comfortable) life and raise kids with good strong morals and will become good citizens of the world. This is perfection. This is my ideal.

It will take a lot of guts and heart (add a dash of intelligence to that) to get there. I myself am so afraid of this, love and marriage(!) but I'll save those thoughts for another day. For now, I'll let these thoughts sink in and dream of my utopia. Just for awhile.

Love,
Tin

Familial reconnection

Recently I have been back in the loop with my older cousins. We've been chatting away, feebly trying to be updated with the years we've missed on each other's lives. It's been fun. It's been great.

Reconnecting with my family always gratifies me. That familiar feeling of belongingness. Being assured that in this world of chaos, here is a group of people that has seen me through everything but still looks at me as their own.

No matter what.

Dependability. Solidarity. Feeling free to be me. Always encouraging me to be the best person I can be. I am truly blessed for having this side of my family in my life. And then, there is the other side... Well, let's just say that I personally believe that there is a balance to everything.

As I accumulate my years here on earth, things get a little more complicated, a little more difficult to comprehend, a little bit more intense to take it all in. Life happens. And boy, it ain't easy. But nevertheless, very interesting how it all plays out.

Life has amusingly told me that shit happens. So grow up.

Shout-outs to Kuya Michael Conrad and Ate Sharon Michelle and baby Bianca!

Happy Birthday Mommy! You mean everything to me!